
This week I experienced an epiphany of sorts - I found the name for what is wrong with me and I empowered myself with the ways I can tackle it. I took back control where before I felt I had none. And I want to share the short version of the story, in case there’s anyone out there who’s been in my shoes.
I’ve been struggling for quite some time now, taking two steps forward only to then be thrown back ten steps every month. I’ve been trying to understand why, even though I see a therapist every week, have survived and worked through the despairs of grief and am now in the strongest place emotionally I have ever been: why it is that my life is not moving? Why is it that once a month my world falls apart? It’s a testimony to how strong my friendships are that they endure the monthly crazies from me.
I’ve mentioned PMS on this blog before, but I don’t think I’ve really gone into what this has meant for me. The day after ovulation is when it begins - the hormones flood my system like the tide, and I feel myself sliding down, down, into a depression; then the mania begins, the paranoia and destructive thinking, the negativity and despair, culminating in several days of feeling completely out of control (including suicidal thoughts) before the period arrives. And the relief felt on that day is so enormous, that the overwhelming cramps and bleeding are welcomed - it is as if I am reborn. For 14 days I am back in control - I am normal, sometimes even a little high - until the next ovulation. I have been living with only two productive weeks a month, so it’s no wonder my progress has seemed on hold for so long - each month the symptoms have been becoming increasingly debilitating, both mentally and physically (breast swelling and pain, bloating, acne, extreme fatigue, aches). I was beginning to wonder if there was something more sinister wrong with me - PMS just makes you a bit tearful, surely? It got to the stage where the dread of the bad weeks was clouding the good ones.
Doctors looked at me blankly (male) or sympathetically (female) and told me to take more exercise. So as ever in this day and age, I turned to the internet to find my answers. I’m following diets and ways of eating suggested in books and have begun taking a course of vitamins and herbal supplements; I keep a diary of my symptoms and cross my fingers each month. Then, this week, I came across Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Reading a list of the key PMDD symptoms, I realized I had every single one. Reading case studies written by women suffering with PMDD, I found myself reflected in their words. I had my light bulb moment.
Having a name for this craziness has helped a little. For quite some time I’ve been wondering if perhaps I am just completely CRAP, having come so far yet still unable to launch myself into the life I wanted, but now I see that there is a reason why my world falls apart each month, and why I find it so hard to handle even the smallest of things.
So now I am fighting back.

This week I had an appointment with the hospital to discuss my fibroids (which are apparently unconnected to the PMS), and it was decided that I would start taking the Pill for three months, in a bid to combat my monthly symptoms. While this may not sound like a big deal, it’s been six years since I last took it and I’ve always thought that ingesting even more hormones was rather counter-intuitive, but at this stage, I am ready to try anything. According to the PMDD website one possible treatment is the Pill, specifically the brand I have been prescribed (Yasmin, or YAZ in the US), so i’m feeling encouraged and hope that, taken alongside the vitamins, supplements and lifestyle changes, something is going to shift.
I wanted to share all of this here, on the chance that there might be some sisters out there who can relate to my experiences, and who would appreciate the information and links. I read recently in this book that an unusual trauma, such as a death in the family, can result in hormonal changes in the body, and how regular sex can help to normalise irregular cycles and reduce PMS symptoms (it's all in the pheromones). I also know that there is a history of menstrual problems in my family, so I can see how things haven’t been stacked in my favour - but I hope that is about to change.