Ink on my fingers

~ My dream home ~

When i finally buy a home and can decorate it as i choose, I'd really like it to look like this place. Jo Kornstein is a set designer and the co-owner of London boutique Howie & Belle, and i am in LOVE with her home (as featured in the November issue of UK Vogue). All that vintage-y goodness, and those sultry dark walls! And don't even get me started on the bathroom....



[Click to enlarge images; all photographs by Hugh Stewart]

~The first Polaroids ~

Here he is! The first Polaroids of my nephew, and already I can tell he's going to be a looker (it's my auntie's prerogative to be utterly biased :) I still can't quite get my head around the fact that my teeny tiny hold-her-hand-when-you-cross-the-street little sister is growing a new human being. Wow. Truly amazing.

~ The contents of my head ~

The contents of my head as of 18:14 Tuesday afternoon maybe i should stop working now it's time for dinner but i'm not really hungry words words words book ideas chapter titles this is so exciting but what if i have nothing to say but what if i have so much to say i can't say it right what if the words dry up hungry now maybe it's time for dinner polaroids make me happy i want to take pictures but it's dark hunger is calling me to the kitchen but i want to keep writing maybe i could pen a quick blog post i miss my blogging i wish i had more time but being busy is good isn't it yes being busy is good i am grateful for this work if we had thanksgiving in england i would be thankful for so many things love it makes me think of love i miss love i miss companionship hungry feeling more hungry time to stop writing but the ideas keep coming i hope i can say the right words my words words words words.

Hungry now. Kitchen calls.

~ 36 hours in London ~

[Just to clarify - my lovely friend Sas got engaged at the weekend]

~ Useful ~

'The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.' ~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross (from an Unraveller)

Oh lovely blog, how I have missed you. Friday saw the last day of both my classes and the end of an intense period of working. I've worked every day including weekends for the last six weeks and have put everything i have into my new course while shepherding my original Unravellers. This time last year I was taking my first wobbly steps in a classroom full of strangers, telling them about my theories of 'unravelling' and hoping to inspire them to pick up their cameras and start investigating their lives. How far my idea has come since that nerve-racking beginning just blows my mind.

I've spent my whole life searching for my passion, and now I find myself doing something i'm insanely passionate about. I'm so grateful for this, because when I get those rollercoaster days of grief memories or sadness or loneliness I walk a little more gently, and remind myself that I'm doing something useful. And that is the key. I've never felt useful before, never felt like i was contributing anything to the world - just a big spaghetti mess of insecurities and neediness and rubbish. And now i've found a way to support my family of one while being useful to others, and that really does make me get out of bed every morning, eager to start the day. Of course, friends and family are now concerned that i'm showing signs of workaholism, but I've waited so long to do something i love I want to give it my all. I feel a sense of purpose these days and that helps make the grief and loss make sense to me; I'm so grateful for that too.

~ Camera lovers unite ~

My newest purchase, delivered to my door at 7am this morning. She started it off, with her minty green body and flirtatious little lens; all i was going to do was take a quick Polaroid of her to send to a friend, but then, before i knew what was happening, the rest of the gang wanted to get in on the action. And I'm such a push-over, i just couldn't say no...
My beloved SX-70; if i could only shoot with one camera for the rest of my days, this would be it.
My first proper camera: my Canon AE1 SLR. She took me through art school and beyond.
The Hasselblad, or as she is now known, the beast. Heavy, reliable, beautiful.
One of my first Polaroids. All cameras should have rainbows on them - fact.
My little Instamatic. I had one of these when i was a kid, and even though i've never put a roll of film through her, she still makes me smile.

To meet the rest of the gang, click over here.