I’ve spent the day thinking about next year, thinking about all the things I want to do. Woven through those thoughts were poetry and writing, books and publishers, photography and a new business idea. I’m paddling through an ocean of ideas and what I really want to do is pinch my nose, shut my eyes and dive under the surface. Over the last four years I have filled 15 Moleskine notebooks, which I use as my journal. These notebooks are filled with blue (and sometimes black) words, all in biro, all in my messy scrawled handwriting. All entries are dated but from the outside there are 15 notebooks that look identical. This morning that changed: I took out the glue and some treasured pieces of found of paper and I collaged four Moleskine pages and wrote over the resulting mess. In other words I loosened up. For me this represents the integration of my creative life with my everyday life: they are now one and the same. I didn’t try and be perfect; I didn’t try and do it ‘right’. I made a mess and I let another part of my brain take over.
This feels like such a pregnant time for me - I’m about buy a ticket to the next part of my journey and I have the chance to reinvent myself, and who wouldn’t want that? This morning I thought I was lucky to have this opportunity - something I would never have thought before. This may fade, but for today I’m pleased that I even thought it. In my messy journal pages I wrote: Perhaps my Christmas present to myself can be the gift of freedom from the past. The gift of a future.