I’ve spent the day thinking about next year, thinking about all the things I want to do. Woven through those thoughts were poetry and writing, books and publishers, photography and a new business idea. I’m paddling through an ocean of ideas and what I really want to do is pinch my nose, shut my eyes and dive under the surface. Over the last four years I have filled 15 Moleskine notebooks, which I use as my journal. These notebooks are filled with blue (and sometimes black) words, all in biro, all in my messy scrawled handwriting. All entries are dated but from the outside there are 15 notebooks that look identical. This morning that changed: I took out the glue and some treasured pieces of found of paper and I collaged four Moleskine pages and wrote over the resulting mess. In other words I loosened up. For me this represents the integration of my creative life with my everyday life: they are now one and the same. I didn’t try and be perfect; I didn’t try and do it ‘right’. I made a mess and I let another part of my brain take over.
This feels like such a pregnant time for me - I’m about buy a ticket to the next part of my journey and I have the chance to reinvent myself, and who wouldn’t want that? This morning I thought I was lucky to have this opportunity - something I would never have thought before. This may fade, but for today I’m pleased that I even thought it. In my messy journal pages I wrote: Perhaps my Christmas present to myself can be the gift of freedom from the past. The gift of a future.
this brought tears to my eyes because it's like seeing your sister (which you are...) come to this new place in herself and there, right before your eyes, you watch her spirit grow a hundred fold. it's just...well, there's no words... it's an affirmation to the rest of us who are also longing to create a new life, longing to step into our lives in a fuller way...this upcoming year i'm going to give myself the gift of that wild passionate woman inside...and i'm also going to write that poem...you know what poem i'm talking about...i think that woman inside of me needs that poem...
Posted by: la vie en rose | Dec 15, 2006 at 09:10 PM
Your words ring of golden tapestry, rich with resolve. You've sparked the woman in me as well. Lovely blog, I shall return. Come by my place if you please and follow the thoughts of a long time around woman. blessings,sage
Posted by: sage | Dec 15, 2006 at 09:12 PM
Susannah,I'm very proud of you. You are indeed moving forward, great strides forward!I'm giving myself time: time to write poetry. Time to write prose,time to visit France again, and to continue to learn french.a la prochaine,rel
Posted by: Remiman | Dec 15, 2006 at 09:42 PM
"I didn’t try and be perfect; I didn’t try and do it ‘right’. I made a mess and I let another part of my brain take over."That is the same gift I have started giving myself--just within the last couple of weeks. I started working on my dream board a couple of nights ago and, rather than find pictures that I could perfectly cut out to represent what I wanted, I ditched that idea and just doodled to my heart's content. The result was not up to my usual "standards," but it felt so good to thumb my nose at the gremlin named pefection who sits on my shoulder night and day. I intended to cut out my doodles and create a small booklet to carry with me, but as luck would have it my glue stick was dried into a solid core rattling in its plastic tube. I purchased a new one last night though, so look out! The assembly just might begin tonight :DWishing you love and luck as you set out on this new path. It is wonderful to see you taking these steps, S.xoxo Star
Posted by: Star | Dec 15, 2006 at 10:37 PM
what a great gift to you and i am awed by your journal mess : ) i had a writing coach once who told me that i should buy really beautiful journals to write in and give my permission to write crap, which i did and i do and i have quite a collection of leather and velvet and silk journals filled with a mess of emotion ...my gift to me is to the cleaning out of the little blue room downstairs, the boxes moved and the shelves going up, my paints coming out of their boxes and my easels going up, it is time i think to make some messes of my own again, i have been so afraid ...you deserve many gifts and a beautiful future, a very beautiful future ...xox
Posted by: blackdaisies | Dec 15, 2006 at 11:42 PM
I, Too have been writing in journals forever. I had stacks of them but I felt like they had a hold over me and not in a good way... as I would read and read them over and over and fret about my past and present.So.. my gift to myself was to get them out of my house for safekeeping in a safe place to view perhaps when I am old and grey and they won't paralize me with pain at this present moment.My fresh start is a big trip in March, a big move in May and a new house with my love and my daughter. This is quite a present.I loved this post of yours by the way.
Posted by: jennifer | Dec 15, 2006 at 11:54 PM
What a gift of a post this is - a gift for all of us who have come to know and care about you, to see you starting out on a fresh and hopeful journey, ready to "make some messes" with life once again.And yes, who wouldn't want the chance to reinvent themselves? I would like to give myself that gift as well. Along with it, the gift of time to explore, to appreciate, to enjoy all of my favorite things, and find some new favorite things too.Lovely post...
Posted by: Becca | Dec 16, 2006 at 12:52 AM
What a moment of grace to be where you are. The healing process is such a profound blessing and you have been so brave and patient with it even if you don't see it. This new chapter of your life is going to be a beautiful one, I just know it. And as for what I'm giving myself this Christmas, two things: one, the gift of my parents' company whom I dearly miss! and two, not giving up on losing the weight I gained, really giving myself a huge new chance and a chance to strengthen my relationship with every aspect of myself.
Posted by: Alexandra G | Dec 16, 2006 at 06:08 AM
This post is gorgeous...I needed it today. Your words are often gifts to me. This Christmas, I am giving myself the luxury to dream my wild/fantastic dreams without reservations and doubts...no need to plot out the realities and diagram the intricate pieces--just letting go and DREAMING BIG. I'm not just doing it for Christmas either...I plan to make 2007 my "year of dreams". Beautiful question...I don't doubt that 2007 holds many gifts for you!--D.--
Posted by: Left-handed Trees... | Dec 16, 2006 at 03:23 PM
I found these words to be EXCITING. I love the feeling of new starts, new beginnings. That is the beast part of letting go of anything...you get a fresh start! What a feeling that is! I am excited for you, and rooting so hard for you! LOL! And YOU can come for Baileys ANY time, sister. ;) oxox :):)
Posted by: Amber | Dec 16, 2006 at 05:41 PM
What a wonderful gift to give yourself. You definitely deserve it! Just catching up on your blog and loving what you've been discovering of late. I feel such a buzz coming from your words....
Posted by: M | Dec 16, 2006 at 07:37 PM
oh, my lovely sus, thank you for this.i love the idea of "the gift of freedom from the past. the gift of a future". i LOVELOVELOVE that you are giving this to yourself. my heart is singing for you, susannah. i love that you are using words like "pregnant" and "reinvent" and phrases like "pinch my nose, shut my eyes and dive under the surface" to reference your creativity - your new life - your beginnings.this excites me for you like i can't even describe. i hope you know how utterly happy i am for you and how MUCH you deserve this freedom. oh, sweet girl, how much you deserve it. as for me, and my gift to myself, i feel like i'm already starting to give myself it - sort of like what michelle's talking about. i have been more totally myself in the past month than i think i have since i was a kid. and i want to continue to honour the full woman in me, and not judge her so much. just - let her bee, you know?;)LOVE to you, sister.
Posted by: bee | Dec 17, 2006 at 12:31 AM
i love the idea of you decorating your moleskines. i've been playing with the idea of getting an unlined journal to force myself to "lighten up." geez, i've been in school too long.
Posted by: ruby | Dec 17, 2006 at 03:48 AM
What a beautiful, hopeful post to read on this cold winter's morning in Afghanistan.Lovely Susannah, I have been visiting your blog for inspiration for some weeks and I wanted to come out of the shadows, to show my face, to 'sit down in this circle' (that was my nudge, the line from Rumi's 'There is a community fo the spirit').I wanted to thank you for sharing your journey, it is giving me strength in mine. I want to thank you for the delicious little poetry tastings that you lead me on, they nurture my spirit in this country of harshness and sadness.Most of all I wanted to tell you how happy I am, this stranger on the other side of the world, to read about the gift you are giving yourself this Christmas. It is a gift you have built for yourself through patience, strength and honesty. You deserve it, you have earned it and you are travelling into it with many loving companions, even we in the shadows.I'm going to take your example and think about the gift I can give myself this Christmas.Thank you and visit me anytime. With love.
Posted by: Frida World | Dec 17, 2006 at 04:48 AM
this is so beautiful. you are on an incredible journey. incredible. your words tonight fill my heart with hope and dreams and joy and belief in the possibilities. and your gift to yourself - yes yes yes.i too will think about the gift i want to give myself. (thank you)
Posted by: liz elayne | Dec 17, 2006 at 06:49 AM
Susannah, you deserve a new world of possibilities - and in 2007 you're going to make it happen! Good for you! And hooray for you for giving yourself permission to make a creative mess if you want to! Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee! Hope to see you either in Paris or London in 2007.
Posted by: paris parfait | Dec 17, 2006 at 02:11 PM
I am clapping with joy my sweet angel. Truly beautiful words and images. I can see you intently but freely pouring over glue and paper. Terrific lovely image.You are doing it baby. Oh how nice it is to see you blooming.I love you
Posted by: Colorsonmymind | Dec 17, 2006 at 05:08 PM
I am so proud of you. You are growing and stretching and soaring. Your journey is so inspiring. Thank you for this post...it is a gift to all of us. Love to you. XO
Posted by: a m y | Dec 17, 2006 at 06:55 PM
I'm just so frikin happy that MY comments are being SAVED!And this feels like a gift...but really, my gift is going to be starting a business with my best friend and I'm so excited.miss you sweet pea,xoxo darlene
Posted by: b/sistersshoes | Dec 17, 2006 at 08:26 PM
I have been reading your blog for the past month or so and have gone back and read other thoughts from the past. You are such a wonderful woman and I am so happy for you taking this huge step!I look forward to reading of your new life. The spirit of reinvention is strong but you can harness it and make your change.blessings.Mim
Posted by: Mim Smith Faro | Dec 18, 2006 at 02:45 AM
This is so incredibly wonderful! Your heart and soul are opening up and preparing you for your future...the future full of posiblities that you are ment to have...that you deserve. My heart is doing leaps for you and your steps forward!!!!!I do believe that ticket is going to take you far!Love to you....xoxoxoxoxo
Posted by: ceanandjen | Dec 18, 2006 at 05:27 AM
This is a lovely sentiment, and one i also aspire to in 2007. Loosen up, take some chances. Life is NOW. Live it. I find your journey incredibly inspiring. Dream Big and be fearless....
Posted by: stephoto | Dec 18, 2006 at 06:44 AM
What a beautiful way of putting it hunny "Perhaps my Christmas present to myself can be the gift of freedom from the past. The gift of a future" You've come such a long way, I just hope I can be that strong .. soon! You give me hope dearest Susannah, hope for the future, thank you :-)So many hugs and Kisses XxXxXxXxXxX
Posted by: The Mad Hatter | Dec 18, 2006 at 09:59 AM
I haven't even thought of giving myself a gift for Christmas. But you've got me thinking now :)
Posted by: Sophie | Dec 18, 2006 at 12:32 PM
Oh, we're so on the same page! Glad I found you. All because you mentioned the vanilla cigarette on your porch in La vie en Rose's blog. I'm not a smoker, but LOVE to enjoy a heart to heart with a girlfriend and a sweet cigarette now and then...
Posted by: Alex aka Gypsy Girl | Dec 19, 2006 at 12:20 AM
Oh, we're so on the same page! Glad I found you. All because you mentioned the vanilla cigarette on your porch in La vie en Rose's blog. I'm not a smoker, but LOVE to enjoy a heart to heart with a girlfriend and a sweet cigarette now and then...
Posted by: Alex aka Gypsy Girl | Dec 19, 2006 at 12:21 AM
Oh, we're so on the same page! Glad I found you. All because you mentioned a vanilla cigarette on the porch, in La vie en Rose's blog. I'm not a smoker, but LOVE to enjoy a heart to heart with a girlfriend and a sweet cigarette now and then...
Posted by: Alex aka Gypsy Girl | Dec 19, 2006 at 12:22 AM
I just filled a moleskine, so I know the good feeling that filling one brings...The best part of your journey will be the good things that come from it that you did not even anticipate...
Posted by: Novel Nymph | Dec 19, 2006 at 08:27 PM