The dream pocket

This time last year I didn’t know what a blog was - well, I had a vague idea but had never looked at one in the flesh, so to speak, and would never have imagined that through writing one I would eventually fly to Seattle to spend time with six women I had met online. This blog has given me permission to be creative - publishing poems, prose and photographs - and recently it’s the photography that has been ringing my bell the most.

In 1992 I started a photography HND which I extended to three years of study. Three years of buying films and paper, of queuing to book a day on one of the colour enlargers (which meant getting to college at 7am in an attempt to be first in the queue); three years of angsting over lighting and film speeds and whether I was as good as Wolfgang Tillmans (who'd left the course the year before). Once a year since then, without fail, I hatch a plan to ‘get back into photography’. In the past these schemes have not developed further than a page in my diary - this time it feels so very different. It feels like I was waiting for technology to catch up with my eye, and now…  ta da… the digital age is here.

Next year I plan to start taking my photography seriously. I dream of publishing a book of poetry and photographs. I dream of creating a website where I can sell prints of my photographs, and begin to fish for work as a portrait photographer. Cos that’s what I was good at, all those years ago, and while the writing ticks along at it’s own merry pace I fancy that my new life in London should take me out into the world meeting people as the antidote to the hours of solitary writing.

This feels like another layer of grief falling away from me: I can SEE now, and the photographs reflect this. Everywhere I look I see potential images - after so long looking at the world though a curtain of bleakness (and that’s no exaggeration) all of a sudden I’m lost in Disneyworld and it’s amazing.

This is the secret I have learnt this year: to be happy we must find the thing that makes us excited; we must nurture a rich interior life, one filled with images/music/words/scents/yarns/fabrics/paints/beads/glue/films/recipes - whatever it is that make our mouth water, that honours the creative spark we all carry inside. Relationships are very important of course, but before we can commune with another (before I can commune with another) we must be able to commune with ourselves and be able to sit in that quiet space, all alone, and listen to what it is we need on a soul-level. These last two years have been a gift I was given - the chance to really be on my own, meet that woman inside myself and look her square in the eye in silence. I know one day I will consider myself lucky that I’ve had this time - I think I’m starting to already… despite the complicated ‘stuff’ that I deal with in my everyday world, this feeling of gratitude, of okay-ness, is starting to permeate every thought and feeling I have. Perhaps this is the invincibility of grief coming back - knowing I’ve survived I can take on the world!  - but I don’t mind its return. No matter what the world throws at me, no matter how many disappointments and let-downs I face, I have found my inner core of self-awareness - I am my own best friend - and that means I will be okay.

Comments

[Lacithecat]

Good luck. Even though you don't know me from Adam - I wish you the best.

[jennifer]

Susannah,I love this post of yours. It is so great to revisit and go all out to realize long ago dreams. I know you will succeed. I just know.2007 sounds like a great new beginning for you and I wish you the best of luck...Jennifer

[Left-handed Trees...]

Okay, I am going to print this one out because I need to stick it in my notebook for when I need the reminder about SEEING the blessings right before us (which I sometimes forget to do). The photo of Abby and the door tells a whole story...so has your blog, Susannah. Feeling so lucky to have found it, and you, in 2006...--D.--

[Graciel]

I've been admiring your photographs as much as your words. You are magnetically drawn to colors, to the LIFE within colors. Your soul is so obviously waking up, my eyes feel moist on your behalf. Nurture that rich interior life. Feed the world with your essence. We are all better off for witnessing your bravery and beauty. Continue to feed us in 2007.Much love to you as well,Graciel :)

[stephoto]

It is wonderful to see you blossoming this way, creatively. I have been reading your blog for some time, and your photography is indeed coming to the fore. You have a wonderful eye and sense of color, and the emotional content of your photos is palpable. As one who also writes and does photography, I deeply relate to what you say here about being out in the world SEEING things and engaging more, to balance out the solitude of writing. This balance seems very necessary for many of us, and it will serve you well in your new creative life. I will continue to stop by here for inspiration!A joyful 2007 to you!

[Star]

Brava! I'm so glad you're spreading your wings again, getting ready to fly. Selfishly, I hope you'll continue to share your words and photos here on your blog.

[acumamakiki]

I love the last sentence again Susannah....'I am my own best friend and that means I will be okay.' Words to live by.

[Jane Poe (aka Deborah)]

What a wonderful post. As the new year approaches, I shall lift my glass and toast to the beautiful artist and woman, Susannah. Cheers my love.Much peace, JP

[susanna]

Yes!! Follow your heart! You are such a beautiful spirit, Susannah. Wonderful, fantastic, giddy-happy things ARE going to happen to you this New Year.

[deirdre]

Yes, yes. This alone time we get handed without permission is sometimes the most productive and valuable gift. You've used it so well and come to the beginning of a new life. I wish I could tell you just how proud I am of you. Your talents are just screaming to be let out into the world - let them run. I didn't know what a blog was a year ago either, and now, holy smokes! What gifties we are to each other. :)

[Deb R]

I love that photography is calling to you, because you're so good at it. The images you've been posting lately have been making my heart sing.

[pheonixfirerising19]

Your photographs are beautiful and I am loving your fascination with doors & mirrors. You have a magical eye and a way with words about you Susannah. Your idea to combine your words with your photography is fantastic and I'm excited to see where this idea takes you. Next year is going to be a "Year of Wonder" for you, I can feel it.

[chest of drawers]

YES, YES, YES!!!

[Anonymous]

you are a beautiful being, and i believe the best is yet to come for you...~ruby

[amy]

i found myself smiling reading your post. isn't it amazing... you have a group of readers many of whom you've never met (myself included) in places near and far (like Sydney) genuinely happy for you and looking forward to seeing what the year ahead holds. good luck with all your adventures. take care,amy

[Neil]

You write so beautifully. It doesn't seem fair that you can photographer as well. If you say that you can also juggle knives, I'm just giving up on life.

[bb]

2077? - It'll be 101 years since my birth then ;-)You know I wish you all the best for your photography and your words and I thank you DEEPLY for ALL of the inspiration you have given me this year, in how to write, how to see and how to live.2007 is going to be MEGA for you, for everyone who wants it :-)Love you x x x x x

[paris parfait]

Susannah, such a lovely, life-affirming post. I'm glad you're pursuing your photography dreams and feeling hope and optimism about the new year. Hope it brings you some delightful surprises and good cheer!

[Frida World]

Yay, I get so excited just thinking about more of your wonderful photographs. Together with the wisdom you have uncovered through this quiet time with your woman within, and your elegent and honest writing, they make a truely extraordinary combination.I'm also going to save some of your wisdom in my journal for the days I can't see through the fog. Thank you.x

[Anonymous]

Luxie here...been meaning to greet you a Happy Hol's and everything sparkling bright...been peeking in and out but thank goodness... at last I have some real moments to myself right now..Wanted to thank you for the inspiration...the first time I read your bloggy' I felt like..my gosh..she is writing me in some ways...writing about feelings I don't have the courage to pour out..or sort out...when you write about grief....loss..it's just sooo raw... haven't lost my love the way you did...but being present in the physical doesn't mean one is really there..so when you write of pain and longing...I feel the same things too..in a different sort of way...and then the writing..the poetry..the pictures..all passion I share..I don't even know if I am one...you know..a writer..though I have been read where I live...but when you pour your passion with words..it inspires me to be brave..to be what I truly am inside...to have the same passion and convictions to own up to my talents..no matter how humble they are..and to NOT compare...but to be just me......to believe in me..slowly...bah!..my surroundings are so different from yours Susannah..my life sooo just of a different hue...but there's a connectedness when I come here....in this part of the world where you are...like there is no here..or there.....but..just being..in the middle of everywhere....called ...center...me' love to you..Luxie of simplylux.blogspot

[Bright Phoenix]

What an incredible post! You put into words something that has been rolling around in my head for a while now: "to be happy we must find the thing that makes us excited". Yes! That's it!I love reading your blog and getting a little inspiration. Thank you!

[luzie]

I stumbled across your blog two months ago and have been reading it ever since. You have a way of writing that is absolutely inspiring. I know exactly what you're talking about in your post, and I couldn't have phrased it any better. Thanks for this wonderful end-of-the-year wisdom. :)

[blackdaisies]

yes yes and yes ... we have very similar dreams my dear ...as i work through my grief, i feel that i am getting back there and want to start doing more photography work and perhaps even put together more shows, sigh ... i feel like the new year brings new hope and perhaps that energy will spread across the world ...fantastic thoughts hon ... happy new year!

[Amber]

Oh yes!! Knowing you survived you can take on the world! I know this feelings. How wonderful that you are feeling it now. Gosh, that really makes me feel happy for you!This was sucha great post. So well said, all of it. And your words sit with me in a good way, as I think about this next year ahead...Love to you, you most beautiful creature.:)

[January]

"This time last year I didn’t know what a blog was..."What a difference a year makes. I'm so happy that you've tapped into your wellspring of creativity, and that you've shared your experiences with us. Happy New Year, Susannah. Here's wishing you all the best in 2007 for your poetry, photos, and the amazing journey that lies ahead.Love to you from across the pond!

[Vesper]

so so true, about finding those things that excite us most. well said.

[AnnieElf]

Susanne, this is all so wonderful from start to finish (and of course, now, to be continued). You are so different in outlook from when I first discovered your blog nine months ago. Even your pictures have changed. More brightness, more happiness, you are smiling, and it seems you have discovered the color aqua. Love the doors and windows. Give us more. Happy New Year, Annie

[Samosasforone]

Awesome!