~ Permission ~

There are so many times when I look at something or someone and think, no, I couldn't possibly do that. It happens frequently as i flit around the internet, when I see an idea for a blog post or project or piece of art and the little voice in my head pipes up with forget it, you couldn't possibly do that.

We are filled with many people and on any one day there are several jostling for air time: my inner child,  the me before grief, the me after grief, the confident ballsy woman, the scared shy girl, my worst enemy, the artist, the writer, the beginner and the expert. All of these are me and they come out to play at various times and days and moments. But i'm realising that there is one powerful voice who keeps them all in check: my inner Victorian grandmother. I've talked about her here before and I think it's time I named her: Maud.

Maud sounds like she was born in 1873 but in fact she grew from a series of events in my childhood. One key event that sticks out in my mind took place when I was about six or seven. We'd arrived home  in the afternoon and my sister and I were still all revved up from wherever we'd been. I remember dancing and jumping in the hallway, lifting my skirt up and down with the sheer glee of being alive - and then my grandmother suddenly appeared and told me off for showing my knickers and not to be so silly. It wasn't the first and certainly wasn't the last time little me was admonished for being too exuberant, for showing off. After a while you absorb those words - don't show off sounds remarkably like keep yourself small; a few years later it's who do you think you are? And so Maud had fertile ground to weave her roots into my inner world, her disapproving tuts and raised eyebrows squashing any attempts to put myself out there.

But i've decided it's time to cut Maud off, to push her into the background while i twirl my skirt and show my knickers (metaphorically speaking - my knickers are actually not very interesting these days). I know I can't get rid of her any more than i can get rid of the parts of me i love, but there's no reason why i have to pay so much attention to her.

I'm giving myself permission to twirl, as of today.

* * * * *

Plague update: after nearly two weeks of absence my senses of taste and smell are beginning to return! I just lit an incense stick and made a cup of coffee and those two fragrances wafting around me prompted such incredible joy i nearly passed out with happiness.

Comments

[tanaya]

Down with Maud!

Permission to Twirl? Oh my, that sounds like the loveliest thing in the entire world. :)

[Jo]

I look forward to watching you twirl! SPIN!

[Lee Currie]

What a wonderful word picture: permission to twirl. Brilliant! I can't wait to watch :)

[Shelagh]

Yay for flashing our knickers! When in doubt, twirl:)
Good to hear you are feeling better:)
Cheers, Shelagh

[darlene]

so happy to hear you are feeling better and enjoying the scent of a yummy insence stick :) and you know i am all for twirling!! darn that maud. i have my own maud only she says things like you are too hyper (because i get that way when i am excited) and she says it in that disapproving voice like it is a bad thing to not be able to contain your energy for something. she also whispers who do you think you are far too often for my liking. i like that you named her and banished her from your beautiful kingdom. uh huh.

love your twirling, knicker-peeking, spinning-beauty wonderful you!

[darva]

There is, however, an elegance in modesty...

[Marianne]

Dear Maud, I appreciate that you care about my dear friend Susannah and only try to control her because you think it is good for her, so thanks for that. But she may not be paying much attention to you for a while and that's a good thing. Don't feel too bad, you'll see how much fun you can have when she gets twirling. x Frida

[Wanda]

Hey...show your knickers if you want to--and not just metaphorically. :)

So glad your taste and smell are returning.

[Chris]

Yes, there's nothing quite like the euphoria of returning to normal after being ill.

Keep on twirlin', Susannah. You keep on twirlin'!

[Amy]

Ah, you are such an inspiration to me today. I don't have a Victorian grandmother, but I do have a host of nagging voices left over from my childhood, so I understand quite well. Yes, twirl so fabulously that Maud is scandalized and retreats to a small, dusty corner of your mind.

[Amy]

Oh, and by the way, I would love to hear about places to visit in Dorset. I probably won't get there initially, but I am hoping that will be the first trip of many. =)

[Anu]

Susannah: I loved this post. What you wrote resonated so strongly with me. I have a Maud too. She is the Indian aunty in the clue sari who is always so critical and can celebrate my success. I'm happy to hear too that your senses are returning. I hope you are indulging in a lot of warm self-care.

[gem]

love this!
happy twirling...
warmly,
gem

[amy]

such a gorgeous post. a lovely reminder to understand the voices in our heads and the influence they have on our behaviour. happy twirling!

[Gypsy Alex]

Glad you're feeling better, Susannah. May I just say that I am completely captivated by your blog these days? I just love how romantic and free it feels here! Like morning sunshine! Twirl, girlie! Twirl away :)

[joanne]

i love this post...we have all had a Maud in our life at some point ... though it wasn't a grandmother in my own life doesn't matter...the point is we take that "Maud" and make the voice our own for far too long...giving over our personal power to it...yay for you for twirling...and thank you for sharing this...you have reached out with your words and touched me in a place i am all too familiar with...

so glad to see you are on the mend :)

[susanna's sketchbook]

Maude. Ugh. My nana was so proper and demanding on her children and I can certainly see the effect that had on my mother. It makes me so sad whenever I see my 70-something mother afraid to try something new in case she gets in trouble. I agree with you: SPIN, SPIN, SPIN, SUSANNAH! I buy yourself some terrific knickers because you deserve it and it'll make you very happy. And now I'm off to get a coffee (gosh I love the scent of that, too).

[troubled]

Funny... I am dealing with the man I love in much the same manner... the wrong look at someone and he gets jealous. First with his brother, and now with his grandpa. He tells me the 2x, 3 and I'm out.
Unfortunately, I am 3 months pregnant...

[Samosasforone]

How interesting that you wrote this. I have a "Maud" too! I think of her as a critical Indian aunty wearing a blue sari always pointing her finger at me saying what does this girl think she is doing?