~ My old friend ~

Don't you love it when a book sets your brain on fire? I have been devouring David Whyte's new prose book, The Three Marriages; he posits that the first marriage is our commitment to another person, the second is our commitment to work and our vocation, and the third is our commitment to ourselves, our internal world. He says that this third one is the most difficult to embark upon as it seems to require us to withdraw and ponder, taking us away from the first two.

What I find interesting as read through this book is that I seem to have mastered this last commitment, having had four years of solitude and internal journeying to heal all that had gone before. I feel i have found myself, an ever-evolving and changing self, but still, i feel i know myself better now than at any other time in my life. So i have aced this last marriage he writes of, and this year I've been creating the meaningful work I've yearned for, work that supports me as a single independent woman and also puts some good out into the world...

Where I fall down is in the first, more-traditional, notion of marriage: commitment to another person.

For the last few months I've been working like a maniac, hence the month-long illness my body capitulated to after too much stress and not enough self-care. So now, as i mend, I'm learning to take better care of myself, factoring in more time to rest, eating better and being more mindful of my body and its needs. And it is now that I'm giving myself a chance to rest that all that I've been avoiding comes to the fore - turns out it wasn't just my immune system I was suppressing.

After four years and three months I look around me and feel the lack of a partner in my life. I mention this occasionally on this blog because occasionally i'll stop and notice it; mostly I just push it to one side. I like being on my own, i like my own space and company; i like setting my own schedules and routines, doing as i please and indulging my own whims. I've had long-term relationships in my life and i'll still occasionally feel the novelty of not being in one. But that doesn't stop the little whisper in my ear that wonders if this is it. There's been a Do Not Disturb sign on my door for quite a while now and a part of me (hormone-fuelled, no doubt) wants to get rid of it. Wants to let someone in the house of me.

Talking to Meg about it this weekend as we camped out in my flat, i realised that what's stopping me is my fear: the fear of being hurt. The fear of losing someone again. The fear of feeling something for another human being. Even typing this i get a bit choked up and teary - that's when i know i've hit the nail on the head. I'm scared to let someone in because all i expect is pain, and so i hide away and busy myself so i don't have to face this. But i think the time is coming when i'll have to deal with this stuff... i don't know how but it's floating around me and getting in my way and that's a sure sign that its time is nigh.

Comments

[megg]

Obviously you weren't ready before... but it is creeping in around the edges and before you know it... well. You know what I think about it, but I can say that when he does appear, he will be amazing, because he will be a partner for you and you are downright fabulous.

(p.s. I'm SURE he was in Brown's meeting his publisher... maybe we should go there next time ;)

[Roxanne Galpin [tinkerbell the bipolar faerie]]

listen to the universe. is it telling you to let yourself out ... perhaps just the fact that you contemplate this means you are ready to begin.

[Blue Bicicletta]

I think that one of the great challenges in life is getting all three of these marriages into alignment--I think they often war. Right now, I am about to tackle #1 (I'm getting married in September) and the other two are ever-present in my life--they're at the struggle point--I think I'm finding them, but it feels like a hard road.

I really appreciate your honesty in this post. I haven't lost someone, but I think the fear of pain is ever-present. For me, it's also the fear of sacrificing the second two marriages, in the name of the first. Ah, life! As you know, it is a constant "unraveling".

I am in search of a good book at the moment, so this sounds like just the ticket--I'll have to look it up! Thanks!

[amy]

thank you so much for sharing your wise words. i'll have to check that book out.

i've always been committed to my work (in part because i enjoy it but also because it has been a safe place to busy myself). through my yoga practice (and other things) i'm getting more comfortable with me. but finding the courage to open up to the possibility of sharing my life is hard. it has gotten more challenging since my accident but i think it's time to figure out why - as a starting point.

i have no doubt that whenever it happens, the man who shares your life will be a seriously lucky and very special person.

[Vivi]

Sometimes things show up when we need something else to get us to go in the right direction. A friend of mine things license plates speak to her, another thinks its the car radio. Maybe, for you, this book landed in your lap right now to show you what you've got and also tell you it's okay to work toward that something else. Just an idea. Thanks for always writing such great and honest posts.

[Amanda]

Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does allow us to grow and become a different kind of person who is able to cope with the new life thrust upon us.
Your body, heart and mind are all learning to cope and thus allowing you to feel OK about wanting something again.
Don't feel guilty about that Susannah, you deserve to be loved and wanted.

[jfrancis]

Ink on my fingers/
fingerprints on anothers heart.

[Tracy]

so I have just started reading your blog and I love it...even thinking about one of your classes coming up.

I have been alone now for almost 2 years and I couldn't have said these words any better if they were from my own heart. I just hold on to the thought that the right one is out there somewhere we just haven't crossed paths yet. As you said occasionally I think about it but right now I am focusing on me.

Thank You for the awesome words!

[sas]

I had just over 4 years too, (though there was half committments and potentials that never eventuated).

Megg is right, there are little signs and toe-dippings going on (which is SO wonderful to hear about!).

I think waking up slowly is the best way, easing yourself into it - he might not be the next person, but being open to experimenting with who might suit this knew you is exhilirating and perhaps a bit scary.

Whoever he is, he is such a lucky man.

xx

[Chantal]

Ah, got to love David Whyte! I surely do.
His poetry and essays are full of soul, wisdom and depth. Can't wait to get my hands on a copy of his latest offering.

Susannah, here's the thing... stop for a minute to give yourself a hug and acknowledge ALL you've achieved these past 4 years. You've already mastered and created what many never do in their lives.

I have NO doubt that you will soon attract the perfect life partner for you. I totally hear what you say about your fear of being deeply hurt again, but... let go of that fear once you're ready. Your self-awareness is a tribute to your willingness to not only overcome the "obstacles" you find along your path, but also to grow from them, thrive even. Soon that fear of being hurt again will waft away... and love will fly in.

[lisa]

there really are people out there who will stand beside you, gently ease your fears of loss and allow you to be by your solitary self when needed. that soul will give you the gift of a daily tiny surprise when you wonder aloud, "you're still here?" your question and surpise will slowly transform into stability and trust, but you will never take it for granted. because you know.

out of the blue, he will find you and you will know.

[Fiona]

Wow, this felt like you were talking about me. I've had some indicative dreams of late, so I think it's nearly time... doesn't stop me being scared though.

[Amy Williams]

What a gorgeous website! I just discovered it... Will be here often. :)

[leonie]

heh - that's how i feel about meeting mySELF. i'm really good at meeting others, it's getting know me and what i need & want that scares the beejesus out of me.

[Liz]

I LOVE that feeling about a book. Usually, some undescribed number of pages into the read, you know... you just know... I am re-reading Crossing the Unknown Sea this week... and then on to the 3 Marriages... Aaah, and then to the first, marriage that is, a lifetime ago (it seems) I lost someone, not exactly like you, but with the same results, and 5 years in to my monastic life, I met the man I am with now, all the while saying , I won't do this again, I can't do this again. . . and yet, here I am. When it's time, I think, it's just time, and I usually go kicking and screaming, you, probably will go with a lot more grace than I...

[Anthony]

At the risk of sounding somewhat cliched, feel the fear and do it anyway - you're strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. Maybe someone ought to write a book about it?

[Laura.]

this is pretty much exactly how i feel.

[Marianne]

Amen to Megg - you are fabulous and the man who will be your match will also be fabulous. The fear never goes away by itself - but we find the courage to love despite the fear and then we see that the worst that could happen is that we return to zero - which is what we all do in the rounds of life anyway. Sending you love. xxx

[kendalee]

Susannah, as always you articulate so beautifully your own experience, and in such a way that others feel you could be speaking for them too. This is a gift. And I feel it again today.

I wish you the courage to overcome, or to respond despite, the fear, and so to find who and what you seek because "... its time is nigh." And you deserve it. You deserve him.

[Christina]

this book sounds So interesting. ; )
xo

[Nikki Hardin]

I was listening to a David Whyte lecture on cd on the way to work -- He is so inspiring and was in our city recently and I missed his workshop!