Ink on my fingers

Colour-coded

I really do remember my books by colour these days. I'm thinking I want my book to be purple; there aren't enough purple books out there.

We don't forget

Every year is different because every year I am in a different place in my life, but there is no way I would ever forget. I'm in the waiting room right now, counting down the days till the anniversary of his death, while also counting down the days to the birth of my nephew. The plan is for me to be with my sister (and her fiance) when she's in labour, and i'm feeling the responsibility of that. I have a ton of work to do - all of it work i want to sink into and enjoy - but i am a mess of emotion. Birth and death, all packed into my small head. I haven't been sleeping well, unsurprisingly. My dreams are filled with babies in my arms, and his arms around me; it is impossible to hide from the memories when you're unconscious. He was kissing me last night and i woke in tears; i find it extraordinary that these memories still have this effect on me. I am in a really good place in my life - his memory is honoured and cherished, but i am looking forward to new possibilities this year, and am so so ready to embrace them. But still there is this sadness - sometimes i think it is merely the echoes of grief resounding around me; it gets twisted into a new shape, and you learn to live with the loss, to find new paths and joys, but the grief really does mark you forever, like a ring in a tree trunk, a raised scar on your heart. In years to come i will still have these memories, kept in a dusty shoebox in the back of my mind; i will pull them out occasionally and run my fingertips over the smiles and promises. For now i will try to string words together for work, thinking of birthing babies by day, and sleeping with the deceased at night. And the world keeps turning.

Registration opens tomorrow!

If you're on my mailing list you already know this, but i wanted to share here too: registration for the Spring Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self class will open in T-minus 22.5 hours. I'm trying a (slightly) newer system this time - 24 hours warning, Twitter announcements and a staggered enrollment. As the class always sells out so quick I'm trying to find the best way to make the sign-up process as fair as I can - we'll see how this works out tomorrow! More details here.

Inspiring Words Wednesday

'It may also be that a woman's creative process is misunderstood or disrespected by those around her. It is up to her to inform them that when she has "that look" in her eyes, it does not mean she is a vacant lot waiting to be filled. It means she is balancing a big cardhouse of ideas on a single fingertip, and she is carefully connecting all the cards using tiny crystalline bones and a little spit, and if she can just get it all to the table without it falling down or flying apart, she can bring an image from the unseen world into being.'
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Blokes with style

There's a game I play occasionally, usually on Twitter, that's called 'What would Mr Photobird look like?', Photobird being my Twitter alter ego. Most of the time my Mr P looks remarkably like Josh Holloway - obviously! - but sometimes i allow my mind to wander past the the chiseled jaw and witty oneliners and consider other attributes. There's something very appealing about a guy who can put a stylish outfit together and carry it off without looking like he tried too hard; trying too hard contravenes the law of masculinity and repels most females. Or something. I follow The Sartorialist in my RSS reader, and this morning noticed i'd saved a lot of his street shots of men; I'm not saying I want Mr Photobird to be quite as sartorially aware as these fellas, but don't they all look great? The last shot is my favourite.








[all photography by Scott Shulman, aka The Sartorialist]

The answers #3

Karen D asked: How did you learn to "listen" and "follow" your creative voice?

It was more a case of my creative voice shouting in my ear until I started paying attention. Ever since I was a little girl I have felt the urge to be creative. I was always painting and making stuff, and from the age of 11 I was writing a diary, something that become a compulsion in my teenage years. I haven’t always made a living from my creative pursuits but it’s all I’ve ever wanted – to do work that I love and for that to be connected to art, creativity and inspiration. I don’t know why it’s always been in me – it just always has :)
 
Mo asked: what would you most like to do that you haven't already done?

I would really like to get my driver’s license. I failed my first test in 1993-ish, and started learning again in late 2004 but then my life fell apart a few months later. So, this is going to be the year I pass. Dammit!

Meggy asked: Do you listen to any podcasts? If so, which ones do you listen to, or would recommend?

I'm really digging Molly’s Spilled Milk, Jamie’s Creative Living and this talk by Natalie Goldberg that Marianne recently introduced me to.

Kristin asked: what does music mean in your life?

I’d be lost without music. I listen to it every day. It makes me happy, sad, energised and relaxed; it holds so many memories, and helps me make new ones. I’m in awe of anyone who has musical talent, and I don’t mind that I don’t have any because there are so many artists I love who do. ITunes has revolutionised the way I listen to music; I was always making mixtapes as a teen, and used to put together CDs later on; now I make playlists. A LOT of playlists.

Robin asked: boots or heels?

Neither, really. I only wear Uggs boots, Converse and flip-flops. Anything else makes my skin blister. SO annoying.

Emma asked: If you had your own band what would you call it?

The Premenstrals

Ingrid (and Meg) asked: if your life were made into a move (or a play), which actress would play you?

British actress Natascha McElhone. Her husband died in 2008 and I sense she would understand a lot of the grief I have felt, which she could put into her performance. On a purely shallow level, I think she is gorgeous, and would love to have her looks, so this would be the next best thing.

Ab asked: What is your favorite tradition?

I guess this isn’t a traditional tradition, but my family and I always make sure we get together for each other’s birthdays.
 
Chasing the Moon asked: Favorite song to bust out and dance or be wild and silly to?

I have several:




Jade asked: Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?

I have both in my cupboard as you never know which will be right for the snack moment you find yourself in. I like to keep my options open.

More answers coming soon, but if you wanna ask more questions, I'm over here!

V Day

I haven't had cause to celebrate Valentine's Day over the last five years as I have been a single person for all that time; I did have a teeny tiny flingette in January 2008, but that's it. No bedroom traffic, no naughty texts and definitely no Valentine cards. At the end of last year i put out a request on Facebook asking what people would like to read in my book - a new friend of mine posed the following question:

'I'd like to know why the hell you're not dating at all. I find this so baffling. I can't imagine that it's due to a lack of opportunity. There must be more to it. If I was a man I certainly would make some lame pass at you.'

The sad truth is it IS due to lack of opportunity; my lone-wolf-work-at-home situation means I don't get to meet many eligible men. And by 'many' i mean none at all.

I have moments when my (lack of) marital status gets me down, when i miss having a companion to snuggle up on the sofa with and argue about who takes the recycling out, but I've been filling my life so enthusiasically with work I have kept most of the maudlin thoughts at bay. For a while there I'll admit I was avoiding anything that remotely suggested contact with the opposite sex; it has taken me many years to even get to the point where i could countenance such a thing. But here I am, five years into grief and healing, with a renewed sense of self and so much more to share with the world.. and with a partner.

And then February 14th swings around, and I find myself bristling at the onslaught of hearts and flowers and cheesy romantic slogans that i want to pooh-pooh; and yet there's still a little part of me who'd be thrilled to receive some flowers on Sunday. And yes, this e-card makes me giggle and would be more suited to my sense of humour - and maybe one day i will meet a partner-in-crime who knows that - but... well... I don't really know what I'm trying to say in this post. Just that - I am ready. And i remain patient, because there is much I must do this year, and, luckily, some of it will help me expand and welcome new opportunities into my life.

So for now I will continue to show myself kindness and love, as I really do believe that that's the best place to start. Because if i can't give myself that gentle gift, why would anyone else want to?

For my single sisters out there, and my coupled-up sisters too, here's a little bit of love* for your computer screen. Let's make this weekend about love in whatever shape we find it.
Small: 1024x768
Medium: 1280x1024
Large: 1600x1200
Extra wide: 1920x1200

* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :) For more computer love check out Kate's lovely wallpaper here.

Blog It Forward

Today is the start of the Blog It Forward mash-up organised by (the very lovely) Victoria over at sfgirlbybay. As there are 300 of us taking part, Victoria's divided us into ten groups, and i'm honoured to be kicking off the Group 5 posts! Other starter posts can be found at Creature Comforts, Design for Mankind, Heart Fish, hula seventy, oh hello friend, The Paper Pony, Poppytalk, sfgirlbybay and Smile & Wave.

For this mash-up we're each going to write a post about what inspires us personally; tomorrow the next blogs on the list will do the same, followed by the next on the list and so on; from now until the last posts in March there will always be something inspiring to read, and some new blogs to discover. 

As I mused on what inspires me I knew I wanted to share with you the bits & pieces i have around me as I write and create. I spend my days sitting here in my living room so it's essential to have inspiration around me; apart from anything else it's so easy to get lost on the internet, so when i disconnect and knuckle down to work, i appreciate having nice things to look at; it makes working from home a true pleasure.
The top photo is a little vignette on my sideboard; the globe is from Alameda Market, brought back in my suitcase after my recent trip to San Francisco. The little wooden deer were found in charity shops; the zebra print is by Elizabeth Soule. The vintage Gerald Kelly print and clock were found on eBay; the clock doesn't work, but i just love the colour.

Above is some knitted magic from my sister, gifted to me for my birthday. Abby has turned into a knitting machine - i am in awe of her skills! Once my nephew is here, and family life has settled down, she'll be working on her own designs; for now she's enjoying exploring Donna Wilson's creations. The twins are perched on my 50s sofa covered in the crochet blanket my mum made me - my crafty family inspires me every single day.
It probably goes without saying that books dominate the room; this is a corner I've filled in behind the TV, and it includes:

The Polaroid Book
Trust Agents
Instant Light
Style Statement
The Leon cookbook
Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love
Life is a Verb
Women Who Run with the Wolves
Tribes
The Creative Habit
Bazaar Style
I have artwork dotted around the room; the print above (by Paul Michael Dellostritto) lives on my mantlepiece with type blocks found in Alameda Market (yes, my suitcase was ridiculously heavy flying back ;). Other art in the flat includes prints from Cori Kindred, Mati Rose, Freya Cumming, Jen Altman, Amanda Gilligan, Jen Causey, Abby Powell, Andrea Jenkins and a San Francisco screen print from the Curiosity Shoppe.
And then there are the flowers - these anemones were a birthday treat from my brother-in-law. Thanks Stevie!

Be sure to visit K.I.D Collective tomorrow for the next installment of mash-up inspiration!

Kiwi invasion

The Kiwis treated me to a champagne lunch for my birthday yesterday, so it was doubly special to then come home and find all your birthday comments - thank you so much!

Hello 37

Can anyone tell me where the last 10 years went?

Last year i woke up to snow on my birthday; today we have blue skies and sunshine, which in itself would have been enough to lift my spirits, but then i logged into my email and found this:


Those beautiful women are from my Summer 2009 Unravelling class - can you believe they did this?! I still can't and have the dried tears on my cheeks to prove it! Thank you ladies, you have touched my heart forever!

So, 37-years-young. I just looked back at last year's birthday to-do list and enjoyed crossing off the items I've achieved, and shook my head at how many were left yet to be done. This year's list was scrawled in my diary last night, and reading it back it see that it's a rather do-able practical list... but that's okay. I like the idea of this next year being do-able - bring it on!

37 things to do before I turn 38:

1. Move back to London
2. Visit San Francisco again
3. Get my driver's license
4. Buy some running shoes
5. Start using the running shoes
6. Try internet dating
7. Finish the book & give it to my editor
8. Get a new tattoo
9. Get my teeth cleaned
10. Buy more flowers
11. Do something with the big canvas
12. Stay optimistic
13. Investigate reiki
14. Try acupuncture
15. Find help for PMS nightmare (see 14)
16. Visit Morocco
17. Have regular Sunday brunches with the Kiwis
18. Visit Christine in Brighton
19. Teach at Squam
20. Test drive the new Polaroid camera
21. Help birth my nephew into the world
22. Take Polaroids of nephew & get broody
23. Get rid of TV once and for all
24. Watch last season of Lost
25. FALL IN LOVE
26. Paint toenails emo-black
27. Sit under tree and read once a week
28. Take a day off once in a while
29. Find p/t admin help
30. Make spiced cider
31. Shoot with the Hassy more
32. Wean myself off coffee... eventually
33. Eat more fruit
34. Start swimming again
35. Wear more skirts
36. Continue being an ex-smoker
37. Love Polaroids with all my heart