We don't forget

Every year is different because every year I am in a different place in my life, but there is no way I would ever forget. I'm in the waiting room right now, counting down the days till the anniversary of his death, while also counting down the days to the birth of my nephew. The plan is for me to be with my sister (and her fiance) when she's in labour, and i'm feeling the responsibility of that. I have a ton of work to do - all of it work i want to sink into and enjoy - but i am a mess of emotion. Birth and death, all packed into my small head. I haven't been sleeping well, unsurprisingly. My dreams are filled with babies in my arms, and his arms around me; it is impossible to hide from the memories when you're unconscious. He was kissing me last night and i woke in tears; i find it extraordinary that these memories still have this effect on me. I am in a really good place in my life - his memory is honoured and cherished, but i am looking forward to new possibilities this year, and am so so ready to embrace them. But still there is this sadness - sometimes i think it is merely the echoes of grief resounding around me; it gets twisted into a new shape, and you learn to live with the loss, to find new paths and joys, but the grief really does mark you forever, like a ring in a tree trunk, a raised scar on your heart. In years to come i will still have these memories, kept in a dusty shoebox in the back of my mind; i will pull them out occasionally and run my fingertips over the smiles and promises. For now i will try to string words together for work, thinking of birthing babies by day, and sleeping with the deceased at night. And the world keeps turning.

Comments

[allison]

tears in my eyes, but what words to say?!?
the life you have so openly shared with all of us over time...
has shown such vulnerability...
yet such strenghth

thank you for sharing...all that you have, the beauty, the pain, the growth...the life...

my heart is touched
my life has been touched
just by rubbing up against yours...

so...i send you a smile
from me, a stranger to you

but i know sometimes when i'm walking around disconnected, disconcerted, disoriented, distracted, distraught, dismayed, disappointed, distressed, and despairing...

a smile from someone walking by can bring light back into the moment

[Sachiko]

You are a strong person.

[Karen D]

you describe so well something I have never been able to put into words.
Namaste Dear One

[Annie]

What a beautiful post. I sit here with tears streaming understanding all too well. (((hugs)))

[tifanie]

i am moved to tears. i am at a loss for words. sending good thoughts. :::

[Brooke]

I have tears in my eyes. I hear you.

[thepennycones@btinternet.com]

I am sorry but I don't know who it is you have lost but none the less, this was a very moving read. Wonderfully written and incredibly moving.

x

[Mariss]

Thinking of your during this anniversary time (knowing they're not easy, but also very important). I hope your sister delivers her babies safetly. New life and death are inextricably connected, I think.