Because we ARE worth it

For a very very long time, i did not think i was worth much. My self-esteem was non-existent resulting in life choices that weren't the best. I didn't particularly like myself, so loving myself wasn't even on the radar, and because i couldn't find the love inside i depended on it from outside, from others. And, as we all know, that is the way to almost guaranteed disappointment. I lived with that girl/woman for 32 years and at no point during those years was i her best friend - I was her enemy. i tripped her up at every turn, i berated her in front of others, i apologised for her when she had done nothing wrong, i fed her cigarettes and alcohol rather than listen to what her heart was saying.

And then something horrific happened, and my world fell apart. And here's the thing - the life i lost, the one i had stitched around me in the shape i thought i should inhabit, fell away so easily because it was built on nothing. The love was real, my god yes it was, but all the layers of self i had constructed over the years weren't coming from the real me... because i had never given the real me a chance to breathe. I hadn't danced with her, i hadn't asked her what she liked. The real me did not have a voice; the real me was so hidden i didn't think she existed.

So my years of grieving were made all the more painful - and ultimately all the more healing - because, finally, i had nothing i could hide behind anymore. I had to face myself, for the first time ever. I had to learn who i was and make sense of where I was all at the same time, bone by bone, piece by piece. I wouldn't wish that sort of heart-breaking solitude on anyone, and it is certainly not the only way to find your real self. But it's what happened on my path, and now i am so grateful to have had the opportunity to dig inside my self and see if there was anything of any value. And as it turns out, i didn't have to do anything more dramatic than sit with myself for a while and just be. Therapy helped the process, but so did walks on the beach and artist's dates with my camera. So did writing in my journal and letting myself cry all night when the pain was more than i could bear. It was being present with myself, and not running away and hiding.

These days I am gentler with my self. I'm kinder to that girl with low self-esteem because I know that's all she ever needed from me - kindness. I don't walk around thinking I'm the cat's whiskers - ha! Far from it! - but these days i try to be my own cheerleading squad of one (when premenstrosity allows, mind. Some days are easier than others.) Life is so bloody short and i can either beat myself up for whatever perceived screw up i have done, or i could make myself a mug of rooibos tea, pick up a book and do the things that comfort and support me. Because i'm trying really hard to do my best - some days it's easier than others, and that's okay. We are all doing our best. We are all worthy of love and support from ourselves, today and every day.

* This post is inspired by Brene Brown's fabulous Week of Worthiness over on her blog, Ordinary Courage. Brene has given me a copy of her new DVD, The Hustle for Worthiness, to giveaway, so if you want a chance to get your mitts on it, please leave a comment telling us one really awesome thing about yourself, big or small (and i'll draw the winner on Friday Saturday morning). I'll start:

I know how to make people laugh :)

Comments

[Camila F.]

You have a lovely blog! Loved the post!

[Stacy]

I can create art in a quilt.

[Sara]

I encourage women to tell their stories, and I listen.

[The Shutter]

You are such a good write. Seriously good. Wish I could take you out for coffee in NYC.

[m thompson]

even when i am so weary i can hardly stand up... even when i am so angry i can't see straight... even when i am overcome by a sorrow i do not understand... i am a thoughtful, caring & present mother to the child i brought into this world...

[andria]

One really great thing about me: I am a good listener.

[Mel]

I am really, really good at giving gifts.

[Carmen Torbus]

I'm inspiring!

[Jet Harrington]

I know when people need a hug - and I give a good hug.

[Brené]

I care.

Beautiful post. Your writing is so powerful!

[Brooke]

What a fantastic post, Susannah. So true. Sitting with oneself: sometimes so hard!! (And what, then, do I do, if I find things I can't face, or even *gasp* find myself happy? :)

I can do splits and a backbend.

[Jade Sheldon]

I understand exactly how you feel: I used to constantly apologize for who I was... I used to cry endlessly and treat my body horribly. But I got it all together and realized how everything is truly wonderful.

I applaud your courage and strength...

[Tammy]

I am a fabulous critic! ;-)

[Swirly]

This is beautiful. Today I was looking at pictures from my visit to London two years ago - so much fun. I miss you.

[maria]

other's feel safe sharing their deep scary secrets with me.

thanks for the post, beautifully written.

[Julie]

I make sure everyone I love has a cake with a candle to blow out on their birthdays.

[furiousball]

beautiful :)

[Rae]

Your post was very needed today. Thank you. I love the picture. That is me. Wishy Washy. lol!

I nurture others.

[Kristy]

Love this post - thanks! It echoes & affirms thoughts I've been thinking myself lately.

One awesome thing: I know the lyrics to thousands and thousands of songs.

[Kat]

thanks for sharing that deeply personal part of you...you're very brave as well as funny!

my first response was the same as yours...i make people laugh...especially my daughters, even tho they tell me i'm no longer funny...they're teenagers tho,what do they know!!

[JoLynn]

I also know how to make people laugh! Great post!!!

[amanda]

i am a good listener.

[Suvarna]

Well put, a little self love goes a long long way.
I am a good mother

[Brigindo]

Beautiful post.

I am the calm in other people's storms.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=569236708]

Thank you for sharing! My five-year old daughter maintains that I am the best mom in the whole wide world and I find that to be a pretty awesome thing!

[Karen D]

I love this post and I can relate to the self esteem and lack of self love you felt, because that is where I am coming from now, but I am slowly emerging and what a beautiful butterly I will be, all I can say is "Watch out World!"

What I love about myself is the way I can really listen to others, to HEAR what they are saying even beyond their words.
Love to you

[Mandy Ford]

What a lovely story - thanks so much for sharing it! I guess one thing about me that someone else pointed out is that I have a "quiet strength". I always go back to that when I think I can't handle something difficult that comes my way.

[Jennifer]

I make awesome mashed potatoes, black-bottom cupcakes (chocolate, cream cheese, chocolate chips), and chocolate chip cookies.

[Kim]

i'm good at finding small ways to make people feel loved.

. . . and it is also in my 30s where i am deciding to be a better friend to myself.

[amy rehnae]

i feel as though, reading this, and other posts of yours, that we have lived so much of the same life...your healing and transformation is several, several steps ahead of mine, though, and for that i am grateful because it gives me strength on those days you speak of to know that someone else has gone before me and lived to tell the tale! thank you for telling your tale!

and...two things...i am stronger than i ever thought i was, and i am good at finding the funny in just about anything!

[Stefanie]

I rarely put my head in the hat, but I think that sounds love for this period of my life.

Definitely going to head over and Brene's blog

[Brandy]

Lovely post. I have been there before as well, so raw, so open and on the floor in my own pool of tears. Thank goodness the sun came out after lots of reflection.

I have a great laugh.

[Verne]

I make people feel safe

[The Other Laura]

I am courageous.

(and I taught myself how to knit!)

[Still Lily]

I listen to my heart.
Great post by the way!

[floreta]

excellent post!!
i relate with it SO well.
i too had one of those not quite good enough relationships, because i needed to find my self first. and because i depended too much on others, and in particular, one person. which is unfair and far too much a burden!

i like how you mention artist dates. :) have you read Julia Cameron's the Artists Way? She talks about taking yourself out on artist dates. first time i had heard that term.

[Christiane]

I am a good mom. (And it took me the better part of two and a half years to be able to say it just like that, without reservations.

[Heather]

I am a good friend to others and learning to be a good friend to myself

[linda]

Love how you wrote that you just had to sit with yourself and just be. Everybody needs that "me" time, I think. Thank you for sharing your story and although I was lucky to not go through so much pain... I did come to the same realization that punishing yourself does no good and gravitating towards comfort and good things is what life should be about - it is short and I always feel like I don't have enough time...the dread of not being able to do it all - eeek! Oo, what a challenge to write something cool about myself, because I always feel like I don't want to be tooting my own horn. I'll go personal and say I'm awesome at making my husband laugh and smile at my sillyness :)

[amy]

i am a good storyteller and i do a pretty good kermit the frog imitation. :)

[Krysten]

Wonderful post.

My hubby says I'm the best wife in the world =-)

[Aerussell.wordpress.com]

Thank you so much for this post. I was feeling particularly low today when this came up on my reader and thank goodness I took the time to read it! Thank you.

I have a loving nature that embraces everyone.

[Horte Hernandez]

I'm a loving and caring woman. I try to each and every day inspire my kids to be kind, productive human beings. We recycle in our house!!!

[Meryl Mills]

I believe in the power of love, without hesitation!

[jane]

this is a lovely post - thankyou for your big heart and telling the story of your journey into dark places and out the other side!

[Julie B]

I can be positive for others when they're having a hard time being positive themselves.

[jen downer]

i can see magic in the ordinary

[Jadyn]

Beautiful post! Thank you...
I am good at seeing the best in others (although that does goes out the window sometimes when pms hits. Ha!)

[kristen]

i love this photo...san francisco, isn't it?

i'm a good friend.

[green ink]

Beautiful post. Absolutely beautiful. I went through something similar that peeled all the layers off me and allowed myself to discover who I truly was. And like you say, it fell apart so easily because none of it was real. Now I know what I have is real.

I am brave.

And I make an amazing sticky date pudding.

xx