How to fall in love with you: step three

This next step is a timely one for me as I've been needing to actively do it the last few days, which in turn has been a good reminder that it's all very well me talking about how to do this stuff, but walking the talk is still a daily practice. Because i don't think we ever really get to a point where we love & support ourselves, no questions asked, no more doubts, tra la la the world is a magical place filled with rainbows and unicorns.

Some days the world is a crappy place. Some days it just sucks to be breathing the same old air.

Despite the great news from the Impossible Project, this week i have been on a downer (still am, actually), the unfortunate combination of some end-of-project blues, hormones, bad weather and some unexpected criticism which i wholeheartedly take on the chin while also feeling it as a punch in the gut. There are some days when i wish i could 'go to work' and then come home, because right now work is my whole world - there is no separation between where i end and where work starts. It's all the same thing. Which is not healthy, i know, but it is what it is. All of this is so important to me; my work IS me; it's an emotional thing.

Anyways.

When the blues hit it's even more imperative to be kind to myself, particularly when it's so tempting to kick myself while i'm down. I mean, i'm already down there - why not heap some more doubt and insecurity and crap on my head? Some days i really do have to drag myself from breakfast to dinner to bed to just get through the day in one piece - who has the energy for that happy skippy claptrap i see on the internet? But when i can muster some kindness, i try to make an effort, however small, to do something nice for me... because it does help, even when i am at my most resistant.

Over the years I've watched friends with kids keep treats and games in their bag so when they're away from home there's always something to keep the children occupied and comforted; as adults we need the equivalent of this. Our own bag of comfort. In mine I have: books that lift me up, new songs to be found on iTunes, sofa + blanket + DVD, a hot bath, a Chinese take-away delivered to my front door (did this last night and it did help), my journal where i can rant or sob or attempt gratitude lists. I also have friends and a sister I can email or call and talk it through with, but when they are not around, i only have me to turn to, and if i'm finding it hard to sit through the fear/discomfort/pain/upset i let myself switch off with a film and a gigantic cup of tea. I let myself be distracted. Because as much as i want to always be brave and feel any shittyness i am feeling, sometimes it's okay to just push it to one side and let it run out of steam on its own.

Sometimes being your own best friend, aka falling in love with yourself, is knowing when it's okay to just let yourself off the hook, being kind and gentle, especially when you feel broken. And an early night helps too, because nine times out of ten things look a bit better in the morning.

* * * * *

Ps. no baby yet. He is running late!

Comments

Man I totally know what you're talking about. I've been there for the last 3 months, BIG time. I'm just starting to climb out of my self dug hole... but life still happens and unfortunately sometimes life deals us difficult hands. Hang in there! And for sure love yourself!

Posted by: Mindy | Mar 29, 2010 at 02:52 AM

I wish I lived closer. I'd bring you some home made cookies - or store bought cupcakes and we could sit around and distract ourselves with sugar!

Posted by: Catherine Just | Mar 29, 2010 at 07:49 PM

A month or so ago, my husband and I were watching "Big Fish" ... at the end, I was struck by the similarity between the deep love and wonderful stories that people had for Ed Bloom and all the family, friends, and memories that my best friend Jason left behind when he died a few years ago. I tried to hold it in, but the grief literally choked me... I decided I owed it to myself to let it out; to sob until I couldn't breathe; until every tear was wrenched out. I cried until cleansed, fully deserving that therapeutic purge... I know that many more of those incidents lie in wait for me and I know that I won't ever hold back (or in) ever again.

Posted by: Megan | Mar 30, 2010 at 01:51 AM

some days a good meal and a good movie are pure HEAVEN.

Posted by: maggie may | Mar 31, 2010 at 03:36 AM

Thanks for the honesty... I really needed it today. When I have times like that I get into bed early with a glass of wine and read through my affirmations...

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Thought-Cards-Beautiful-Card/dp/1561706124

Posted by: addie | Mar 31, 2010 at 10:18 PM