Your death has taught me how to feel empathy for another's pain. I learned how to sit with my own pain and breathe my way through it. I learned how to uncover all the shit i had held so close to me, and to unpick it, and heal it, and let it go. I unravelled all the knots in my past, and i wove a new story, one that has the real me at the heart of, and not my neediness or my shame or my insecurity. I found myself, and i learned to love the less-than-perfect bits, of which there are many. I opened myself to my creativity again, and discovered that the words and images had been inside me all along, just waiting for their day in the sunshine. I followed my newly-mended heart and found a way to support myself doing work that excites me and helps others - that has been such a gift and i know you'd be proud of me, though i'm sure you'd think the concept of Unravelling was rather hippy and too touchy-feely for you :) And any day now I will become an auntie - can you believe it?
I don't think a relationship like ours - one of such intensity and passion - could have lasted and i have a feeling it would have burnt itself out by now. But who knows? I couldn't understand why you died - no one in that situation can, but it was so sudden, so shocking, i couldn't accept it; and yet here i am, with all that is around me and all that is ahead of me, and i can't help feeling it was supposed to be this way. And admitting that no longer feels like a betrayal of you and your life. I have integrated your death in my own life, and i have healed and moved forward, inch by inch, until i am now far enough away from the blast to be able to find gratitude for the journey i have been on. The journey that continues until we meet again.
I miss you. x
Edited to add: he was an old rocker and a big Kings of Leon fan, so i know he's gutted he's missed their new albums. If we all play this song, maybe it will be loud enough to reach him. Thank you.