Ink on my fingers

Is it April already?

Seriously? April? You didn't waste any time getting here, did you. It was only New Year's Eve a couple of weeks ago - it's amazing how much faster the years pass as you get older. These days i count years like i counted weeks as a little girl. And there's so much i want to squeeze into this year, so many plans i have, and places i want to go, and cities i want to move back to, and photos i want to take. And nephews i want to get to know.

This morning I realised that today is the day.... the day to write that email. The day to make that phone call. The day to dream your wildest most daring dream. The day to throw caution to the wind and take a chance. The day to chill on your sofa and let yourself breathe again. The day to finish that novel. The day to kiss and make-up. The day to get a tattoo. The day to make a pavlova. The day to wander aimlessly. The day to paint your toe nails. The day to feed the birds.

I want to remember this every day this month, so I've made some new wallpaper* to remind me every morning when i sit in front of this computer monitor... today is the day! I thought you might like a reminder too:

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* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

V Day

I haven't had cause to celebrate Valentine's Day over the last five years as I have been a single person for all that time; I did have a teeny tiny flingette in January 2008, but that's it. No bedroom traffic, no naughty texts and definitely no Valentine cards. At the end of last year i put out a request on Facebook asking what people would like to read in my book - a new friend of mine posed the following question:

'I'd like to know why the hell you're not dating at all. I find this so baffling. I can't imagine that it's due to a lack of opportunity. There must be more to it. If I was a man I certainly would make some lame pass at you.'

The sad truth is it IS due to lack of opportunity; my lone-wolf-work-at-home situation means I don't get to meet many eligible men. And by 'many' i mean none at all.

I have moments when my (lack of) marital status gets me down, when i miss having a companion to snuggle up on the sofa with and argue about who takes the recycling out, but I've been filling my life so enthusiasically with work I have kept most of the maudlin thoughts at bay. For a while there I'll admit I was avoiding anything that remotely suggested contact with the opposite sex; it has taken me many years to even get to the point where i could countenance such a thing. But here I am, five years into grief and healing, with a renewed sense of self and so much more to share with the world.. and with a partner.

And then February 14th swings around, and I find myself bristling at the onslaught of hearts and flowers and cheesy romantic slogans that i want to pooh-pooh; and yet there's still a little part of me who'd be thrilled to receive some flowers on Sunday. And yes, this e-card makes me giggle and would be more suited to my sense of humour - and maybe one day i will meet a partner-in-crime who knows that - but... well... I don't really know what I'm trying to say in this post. Just that - I am ready. And i remain patient, because there is much I must do this year, and, luckily, some of it will help me expand and welcome new opportunities into my life.

So for now I will continue to show myself kindness and love, as I really do believe that that's the best place to start. Because if i can't give myself that gentle gift, why would anyone else want to?

For my single sisters out there, and my coupled-up sisters too, here's a little bit of love* for your computer screen. Let's make this weekend about love in whatever shape we find it.
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* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :) For more computer love check out Kate's lovely wallpaper here.

~ Hello 2010 ~

After all the colour and clatter of the festivities, I want to sink into silence for a few days. My plans for 2010 are clamouring for my attention, as if a switch has been thrown and now they are free to run around the playground. But right now i'm more intrigued by the clear white space of a new year, open for possibilities, new beginnings, clear-headed thinking, dreaming, manifesting. Letting go of the old year, and all the mistakes, and welcoming in a new way of thinking - positive, hopeful, optimistic. Ready. Clear. Free.

I've made this desktop wallpaper* for January as a reminder - I find it difficult to say those super-loving affirmations to myself (you know the ones: I am beautiful, I am a radiant being of light, blah blah blah) so i figured if i we say it to each other it would be just as powerful...

You are amazing.

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* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

~ Allowing dreams ~

Allowing dreams to manifest without getting in their way

Sometimes we don't believe we are worthy of receiving what we dream of; sometimes we don't believe it could ever happen. Sometimes we are so convinced of our apparent unworthiness we do everything we can to prevent the good stuff entering our lives. We don't do this consciously, of course. I'm slowly learning that all i need to do to help the good stuff manifest is to step out the way, to stop littering the path with my worries and insecurities, and all the endless head-chatter that scares the dream whisps away. In some ways it's easier to sabotage our dreams than help them become reality - that way, when they don't happen we can shrug our shoulders and say, 'see? I knew it. I'm not worth it.' But lately i've been trying this idea on for size: what if i AM worthy? What if it is okay for good things to come into my life?

There was a part of me that assumed life would be easier once i survived the grief - that i'd embrace a new life-is-short credo and let go of all my fears, gliding through life feeling the power of survival under my wings. But that didn't happen. Life still felt as difficult as ever, if not more so. But today I realised that i've reached a place where i've let go of some expectations - of what my life should be looking like by now, of what i am capable of doing, of who i could be. I'm starting to embrace what is, and that includes giving my dreams more space to breathe. 

I always thought i'd be married with kids by now, that i'd be more successful by now, and more established blah blah blah. What i'm starting to grasp is that this is it - this is my life - so why not have some fun with it? View it as a malleable batch of bread dough and see what shapes i can create. Because no one else is going to do it for me, and, heck, maybe some good stuff will happen. This weekend I made a good start on my book proposal, and in doing so i drop-kicked the whiny but-who-do-i-think-i-am-to-write-a-book out of my third-floor window (if you stand on my street this evening you'll see it gasping its last breaths on the pavement before it fades away forever. Good riddance!)

My part of the deal is to work hard, be committed and have a little faith. And to make room in my life for the good stuff to flow. We are allowed to have our dreams, big and small and everything in between. Think of them like your children, to be protected and nurtured, believed in and encouraged - and when the time is right, you need only get out of their way so they can stretch their wings and fly.

I made a new desktop wallpaper* to remind me of my commitments - i thought you might like it too.

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* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

~ Hello July ~

1. 04.05.09: retiree, 2. Untitled, 3. *, 4. film 119

Summer feels abundant to me; colours are richer, the air is sweeter and my kitchen is filled with fruits that i can't stop eating - white nectarines, blueberries, squishy ripe apricots. Wimbledon is playing in the background, taking me back to the sticky heat of childhood summers, when McEnroe was shouting and my shoulders were burning. We've been having hot days here in the south of England and i am lapping up every drop, wanting to store some away to last me through the wintery months that I know will be here soon enough. Every open window and warm breeze makes take a deep breath and give thanks for the day I find myself in.

* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

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~ Hello June ~

1. at the chocolate shop, 2. yellowblouse&seahorse, 3. flower bowl, 4. Untitled

The sun rises in my bedroom and sets in my living room, so all day it follows me through the flat as i work. I'm not someone who likes to sunbathe (I burn) or spend an inordinate amount of time outside, but i like to have the sun visible in the sky; I like it to be warm outside; it makes me feel contented. Today I am very happy to welcome June into my world, with its 26 degrees of lovely sunshine. I'm grateful to have discovered a new David Whyte book to read, and for circles shared across the ocean. My ears are particularly appreciative of new music to listen to and my sunglasses are loving their new home. My eyes are meditating on my new desktop wallpaper* and my heart is reminded that everything is possible.

* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

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~ Hello April ~

1. Untitled, 2. in the window..., 3. magic, 4. pola04

Spring is my favourite time of year, with its blue skies, blossom and sprouting leaves. After the hard slog  of the winter I'm always elated to wake up to a sunny day and streets strewn with blossom confetti. I feel hopeful and ready to burst forth with new ideas and plans; of course, with that renewed energy comes the threat of stressing myself out with too many plans. The last few days I've been sleeping poorly, blighted by stress dreams and nightmares, unable to switch my brain off properly, to take time out to unwind. There's just too much to do. And it's then that i hear my grandmother's voice.

After my grandfather died I would phone her every Sunday from London to check in and make sure she was okay. As the months passed our calls became less tearful from her end as she adjusted to her loss as best she could. It was never easy for her after he'd gone, and she declined quite quickly in the last few years of her life.  At the end of every call I'd tell her i loved her and she would say, 'well you know I love you,' and i would say i did. Then she would tell me to go gently, knowing how i'd rush around or get carried away with whatever was consuming me at the time, and I'd tell her I would.

These words always pop into my head when i'm tired or overwhelmed, or pushing myself to do everything all at once. It's the word medicine I need today and every day this month, so i've incorporated them into my new desktop wallpaper*. I thought you might need a little reminder to go gently today too.

* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

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In other news, I'm doing a giveaway with the lovely Amy over at Purple Pink & Orange - for your chance to win an 8x8 print of your choice from my Etsy store head over here.

~ Hello March ~

1. Untitled, 2. Untitled, 3. Untitled, 4. 1950 Vogue

I'd love to say that now it's March there's more light shining through my window, but, alas, not yet - not enough, anyway; the mornings are getting lighter, though, and I soak up every drop I can.

In a recent comment, Graciel told me my heart was on fire, and this image has lodged itself in my mind and I now carry it with me everywhere: to London, to the supermarket, to bed. My heart IS on fire. Moving to Bath has changed my perspective, inside and out, and there's all this inspiration bubbling out of my head, all this hope in my heart; four years ago i wouldn't have believed that would ever be possible again.

Do you remember the scene at the end of The Fifth Element, where Milla Jovovich's character saves the world by shooting a beam of pure light into the sky to destroy the planet-sized Great Evil that's going to annihilate the earth? *ahem* Okay, maybe it wasn't the greatest film ever made, but that image came to mind as I made this month's desktop image*: that if we all shone our light into the sky we'd a) find our way to each other and b) make the world a brighter place. That's what I'll be doing from now on... shining my light.

EDITED TO ADD: if you are about my age or over, you'll probably remember this classic :) It's been going around my head all day...

* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

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ps. I've just found out I'm on the front page of Kirtsy. I hadn't heard of Kirtsy before, so will be investigating the site today, but it's making me giggle that my 48 seconds of poetry reading is being seen by more people. Um, can anyone say visible?

~ Hello February ~

1. Untitled, 2. Lending Pearls To Swine, 3. a good place to sit, 4. Untitled

It's so much colder here today; the radiators are struggling to warm the flat and I'm wishing i had a working fireplace so i could light a fire. The summer feels so far away but i have it on good authority that this year we will actually have a summer, unlike the last two years. So because the days are so grey at the moment I'm drawn to these soft and airy images, where the light seems to cushion the subject with a gentle embrace. To look at photographs of summer would be a tease too far, for now anyway.

I thought I'd share my desktop image* for February - this phrase has been floating in and out of my head for weeks: You are so loved. Whatever's happening in your life, wherever you are, however you feel, you are so loved. Maybe you could stop for a moment, breathe in slowly and as you exhale hear them saying it: you are so loved.

This is the image I want to look at every day this month. It really is going to be okay.

* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :)

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~ Hello 2009 ~

 
'To accomplish great things we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.' ~ Anatole France

As the clock struck 12 I was brushing my teeth, the sinus aches and pains making me want to be in bed, cosy and safe. As i slowly applied my neroli-scented night cream, i watched the fireworks exploding above Bath, red and green glittering plumes lighting up the night sky. And i thought to myself, yes, this is exactly where I am supposed to be... this house, this city, this time, right now.

I made some new desktop wallpaper* to welcome January into my workspace, and thought i'd share it here too - click on the link below for the correct size for your monitor, then drag the image onto your desktop and set it as your wallpaper manually (you can also do this by right-clicking [ctrl button for macs] and choosing 'Set as desktop background')

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* The images are for your personal use only and I retain the copyright, etc etc :) Happy new year friends!